My Soul is Well with God

I started humming a song in my head today at work.  I do that a lot & quote scripture when people I'm working with have an ill spirit & are zapping my flow of positive energy I have worked up to make it through the day.  Today the song, "It is Well with my Soul"   The song is a beautiful song, offering complete surrender to God's will in our lives.  It would seem to be exactly what any Christian would want to offer God.  

For me I kept hearing the words playing over & over... as though it was taunting me...ripping through to my inner being.
All I could think of was, Justin & I immediately could feel the mother deep inside of me... Screaming... No, it is not well with my soul... it is not well with any part of me. 

I began to think about the man who wrote the song, Horatio Staffird, a father who lost 4 daughters on the same day... How,  I wandered was he able "to be well" with it such lose.  It was said, he wrote the words on his journey to meet his wife after the tragic accident, was he is shock?  Was it because he had something I don't have with my relationship with God?  Was his faith greater? Was he not as connected with his children?  Was it because there were no questions surrounding their death?   

I've learned in my grieving process never to judge another grieving parents means of grieving.  but, I myself, could never come to a logical explanation. It left me questioning so many things.  
Job also lost his children & all that he owned. He never doubted God & he never lost his faith or relationship with God... but I do not remember Job saying, it is well with soul.  His heart grieved. God did not think less of Job... He loved Job.  Job was special to him.   

So what about me.  I think in the depths of my soul, I would like to have the ability to say, No matter what God, it's OK.  But I'm more like Job in his feelings...God my heart is broken to the very core, I will never understand why, this side of heaven but I will never allow anything of this world to separate us.  This is where I must trust God knows my heart. 

             "Upon the palms of my hands I have written your name." ~ Isaiah 49:16

The tragedies in my life have taken me to a place I pray no other mother has to experience.  It took from me many things including the very person I once was.  Leaving me forced to discover the new me. Sometimes I still look in the mirror and I do not recognize myself.  Almost like someone who has suffered amnesia  That in itself is scaring.  I may not understand this new life I have been placed in but what I do know is this. Through it all, there is nothing that will shake my total trust in God.  For it is only through His love & Grace that I survived & am here to share this.  There has not been one hour that he has left my side... If at anytime I didn't sense His presence it was because I had moved in a different direction.  

As I ponder this thought today, I do not think Horatio Staffird was a "better" christian than I am, or his relationship closer to God... it is how he chose to work through his pain and that is different for each person.  For me... It is not well with my soul... but my soul is well with God.   

Hey Wait... This is Not the Life I Chose...

I'm just on the other side of trying to wake up from a terrible nightmare and struggling to find my new normal, and still wondering if a standard normal even exists. Though I love the expecting moms I work with now and being able to go on their pregnancy journey with them... I have come to realize... I really don't like working outside of the home. I want to sit on my porch in the morning & drink coffee & spend time with God. I want to be available for my grandchildren and parents when they need me. I want to sew, can vegetables make bread. I want to be able to work with my kids in juvenile court. I want to spend time with my friends. I want to rescue horses. I'm sitting here thinking, I worked hard to get to a place in my life that this could be a reality. Now, because of choices, not of my own... I'm forced to give up on my dreams & start all over working toward my new goals in life. I would be less than honest if I said there were days that I didn't hold some bitterness in my heart but I know, that's not where I want to stay... but I'm on a path I didn't choose and though I'm not ok with that, I trust God with each step I take... and He has never failed me, even in the darkest nights. I'm fortunate... I have a home..my Haven... I have not gone hungry one day... I have a job that allows me to have electricity, water and insurance. I know God has provided each one for me. So one could read this and think... How ungrateful... but that would no be a true statement. In all of my thoughts and feelings I have noticed a common statement... "I want" ...WOW... talk about being humbled... Life was not designed for me... I was designed for God's pleasure... to fulfill the purpose He laid out for my life before I was even formed in my mother's womb. It's not about me... It's all about Him. So as I begin a new day, I will look for the chance to shine my light for God wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." Colossians 3:24... or for myself. Dear Heavenly Father Please remind me of the servants heart you placed in me. Reminding me that though I may not be living the life I chose, I am being obedient to you by living the life you have chosen for me. Help me to content while I wait patiently on your plan for my life to be revealed. Father, you alone are my shield, my strength, my portion, my shelter, my strong tower and my deliverer. Amen

GOD WINS!!!!

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  Genesis 50:20
When you stand for truth against the evil one, be prepared because the attacks will come.  Be on alert my friends, the evil one will attack you in your weakest areas to distract and oppress you.  As prepared as you think you may be, if you are not completely prepared in the Spirit, you will fail in your flesh.

Yesterday, I was put to the test...I thought I knew what I was up against and thought I was ready.  I was proven wrong.  I was prepared to call out/reveal the evil one in Jesus name.  I went in with strength.  I was not prepared for the attack to come against me personally.  With the evil one sitting in silence laughing at me. I lost my footing and felt defeat.  I was blindsided and I came out of my spirit and into my flesh.  I was so distracted by the confusion that I failed and felt completely defeated. 

What I am thankful for is, My God know my heart and loves me so unconditionally and needs me to remain strong.  Instead of allowing me to remain with my thoughts of doubts and confusion, He put me to sleep and restored my soul.  God is never the author of confusion and He alone wants to write my story.  He didn't  need me in my weaken state to lose strength and put focus on myself.  He needs me to focus on the spiritual battle that is real and raging.

I awake being reminded,   "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly”  John 10:10.  
The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy everything good in your life. He wants to destroy your kids, your marriage, your joy, your happiness, your health, your job, your finances. The thief just wants to ruin anything he can get his hands on!

I'm also reminded of my weaknesses, I must remain focused on strengthening myself in the Word and guarding myself with the full armour of God.  I must do this so I am equipped to remain in the gap for those I love, until they are ready to fight the battle.

The enemy is strong but My God is stronger.  satan..you only thought you won...  MY GOD WINS!!!!

What Friendship is to Me

Friendship: a friendly relation or intimacy.
Intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person .

I happened upon an interesting post today, http://ecosalon.com/teach-me-nothing-just-be-my-friend . It really made me made me dig deep and ponder just how I felt about what the author was saying. At first I thought, I’m not so sure about this because I like learning from my friends but the more I dug into my true feelings, I realized I had more in common with her thoughts.

I am fortunate to have friends with many talents and wisdom, and each of them bring something different to my life and I would never want to discount the knowledge I have gained from them. I have some pretty sharp friends, if I must say so. But I realized, they did not become my friends based on what they could do for me, it was based on who they were to me. It was because we connected on a personal level.

One thing I think we all are guilty of is trying to “fix” our friends. I have come to realize, that is not our place.  When we think it's our job we are saying, there is something wrong with you. By doing this, we are placing conditions on the friendship. Who are we to judge? We may not always agree or like the actions of our friends, which is a whole other issue but friendship is acceptance and loving through the good and bad. We should always want the best for our friends and be willing to offer wisdom but a true friend will never put conditions on the friendship depending on your fix-ability.

To me a friendship is about a relationship; a true a bond between two people. Sometimes it’s beyond words and many times, words are not even necessary. It’s about two souls that have a desire to be connected with their other part. It’s about acceptance and unconditional love. It’s about forgiveness and understanding. It’s about overlooking the small stuff and refraining from judgment. It’s about praying for their needs and what is close to their heart. It’s about allowing them to share all they need to share and listening with a companionate heart. It's about honesty and trust, It’s about grieving when they grieve, loving who they love, giving when there is a need, excitement when they triumph, crying when they cry, encouragement when they are down, a boost when they need to be motivated, laughing at stupid things only they can understand, loving when sometimes they are unlovable and no matter what…always…always have their back.

My prayer today is to always be the friend to others that I seek for my own life

XXOO

My Christmas Picture Sneak Peek

I think I am going to be very happy with my Christmas present. :0

Standing Still vs Standing Your Ground

I have read and reread this verse and I can't count the times I have quoted it to myself and to others through the years..

"For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace"...I Corinthians 14:33

We know this is true because it is biblical so does this mean if my mind is confused my thoughts are not of God. If that is true I know that is not where I want to be. Does it mean I am not truly seeking God's guidance in my situation, I'll be the first to admit, as much as I seek I know I could seek more. Does it mean my spirit and flesh are fighting against each other, very good possibility. Though we are not of this world, we are subjected to live in this world.

I'm tossing and turning, searching for answers. Carnal justice tells me to stand up for myself and family and cause someone else to suffer for the injustice they have caused us and are causing us. I know God wants us to stand for right but is that all we are suppose to do is stand and allow God's justice to prevail or are we suppose to be proactive but not allow evil to take over?

"Therefore do not fear them, For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed an hidden that will not be known Matthew 10:26

Can you see why my mind is whirling? Presently I have constant questions and advice from some very loving and caring people that I know have my very best interest at heart but I don't know what to say or do so I find myself avoiding making any decisions at all. I am not stupid and think if I don't talk about the problem it will just go away but I don't want to win the battle and lose the war, as they say.

I have never felt the presence of evil spirts swarming and twirling as I have in the last 3 years. I have come to a point that when they are close in my presence it almost takes my breath and I struggle to breath. It seems my daily mantra is rebuking satan in the name of Jesus.

1 Peter 5:8-9 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

I now realized that the enemy doesn't always have to cause horrible tradegy to accomplish his goal to destroy us, it can come as easy as disabling us to take the next step and allowing ourselves to become stagnate in pursuing our ministry to glorify God.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full".John 10:10

This can come as easy as justifying our stillness by saying, I am standing still and allowing God to do the work. Such a true statement but without some form of balance we become unusable by God.  I think instead of  having the mind set of "standing still", I need to change that to a more proactive action as; "standing my ground" against the devils schemes to disable me.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. [11] Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. [12] For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. [13] Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. [14] Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, [15] and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. [16] In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. [17] Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. [18] And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.  Ephesians 6:10-18

No Matter What..Leave Your God Light On

In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.Matthew 5:16

Do you remember the slogan for Motel 6?
And We'll Leave The Light On.
I got to thinking...not a bad idea for Christians.

I know at this moment in my life it may appear I am fighting against flesh and since we live in the flesh I know this is true but I know the bigger battle is a spiritual war and I praise God that he is on my side. By saying that doesn't mean it's not painful and not a struggle but it does mean I have someone bigger than this world to love me and to keep me surrounded, protected and in the center of His wings.

Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings Psalm 17:8

I love this verse, it brings me comfort to know I am the apple of God's eye and He forever has His arms around me not matter what. I love knowing how much God loves me and wants to protect me. It is the ultimate of unconditional love. (that's a whole nother ponder :)

OK back to my point

I know in both situations, I am in the midst of a spiritual war and what may effect myself and my family could also effect those watching from afar.
Maybe how I handle my situations could determine someones desire to draw close to God or even their salvation.

I didn't really consider this until the other day, a internet friend I have had for a number of years reconnected with me on Facebook, she told me of some hardships going on in her life but she told me some fantastic news, she had made the decision to give her heart and life to God. Then she shared something that touched me more than you can imagine and made me realize how important it is no matter the situation to always allow others to see how we as Christians handle situations and where we draw are strength,

(I'm sure she will not mind me sharing) she said,
I completely agree that with out Jesus in my life right now I would not even be able to get out of bed each day and face what is in front of me....believe it or not Patty I think you may have had a lot to do with my decision to turn my life over to God...when I saw how strong it made you after Justins death and how you made it thru I knew that it was the only way I could handle just the petty things in my life.

Wow....Can you see how this could have easily went the other direction? How I acted or reacted, what I did or didn't say could have could have caused this dear friend to say, She calls herself a Christian but in the midst of her trials her actions are those of the world, where is this God she talks about, why is He not giving her the strength and comfort she desperately needs and if He is what she says He is why is she not leaning and depending on Him?

I thanked God when I read this that I have been able to stay humble through hardships and I thanked him for controlling my thoughts and fingers as they have typed my words of despair.
I know in my heart my sharing of my life is a way towards healing for myself and hopefully an encouragement to those who are on my path but I pray that I am ever mindfully of the effect it will have on others.

this little light of mine....I'm gonna let it shine....