I'm finally back..I had taken a break from blogging for awhile. I feel led to start again with a new mission. I also feel ready to start back with, A Mothers Journey to Healing . I am praying for the strength to do both.
As my name says, She Doth Ponder, and anyone that knows me will say, yep she does it all the time; but with all the drama that has come upon my life in the last months, my mind has been nothing but mush. It is taken ever bit of energy to make it through each day. I haven't been able to sort through my thoughts much less find meaning to all the events to even be able to share anything worthwhile.
I have never been one to try & hide all the junk going on or has gone on in my life. I find that as I share, I find healing and in turn someone that is just starting the journey may find hope or decide that's not the direction I want to go in. Either way, here it is.
I will try to be cautious in how I share so I don't cause hardship or pain to those involved.
I have decided to allow you to join me on my new journey...D-i-v-o-r-c-e.
Yes I said it, Divorce. I know there are those who know me who are thinking, Your Kidding, Right? , No Way!, I would have never thought that!, or What else can she endure? I can assure you I have thought the very same thoughts and more when I allow my flesh to take over.
This is not my first experience with divorce. Looking back now I can see how youth and immaturity and the lack of proper guidance played a very big role in the break up of my first marriage. Never the less I regret and am shameful that I didn't seek guidance and suck it up for the benefit of Justin. I saw first hand how it destroyed a little boy's life and we all lived with the hardships it caused everyone.
So when I chose to marry again I knew I wanted to commit for the long haul. I knew I wanted more children and I promised myself and God, I never wanted another child to suffer as Justin did, I wanted to have a home that my children felt loved and happy in, a place they would always feel secure and their foundations were firm because mom and dad were allowing God to be the center of the marriage and the home. After 25 years it is fair to say we failed. We failed our promise to God, to each other and to our children.
It is not easy to be so transparent and admit failure but it is what it is. The world may have stepped in and caused obstacles but bottom line is; when a marriage fails both people have to be accountable. The failure of a marriage to thrive comes with a roller coaster of emotions but we are adults and must accept the consequence of our actions.
The real heartbreaker is the children. They are forced to deal with the results of the adults actions. What they have known as their stability and foundation is rocked and torn apart and they are not given the choice or input on how this will effect, disrupt or possibley change them or how they will view life and relationships from this point on.
To make matters worse in our situation is the lose of Justin to a tragic death. At a time when we should be drawing closer as a family to support each other, we are dealing with yet another separation, the lose of our family.
I'm a big girl and have learned through all the trails, hardships and obstacle that I have endured through my life, there are times I have to put those big girl panties on in order to survive but my heart is completely broken for Meghan and Camden.
I feel like I have failed them because I am the one that was suppose to protect them from all the hurts that have been thrown at them through no choice or action of their own.
I could share with them a list of reasons to help them make some sense of it all but for now I feel it would only add more doubt, distrust and confusion.
Right now, I'm the only one that is willing to make the needed sacrifices to avoid further damage but a marriage takes 3 and for now there are only 2 of us are here.
As angry as I am, I pray for my husband. I know in my heart and in my spirit we are dealing with a spiritual war and whether or marriage finds restoration or not his soul and his relationship with God is important to me. The children need a father and grandfather that can lead them spiritually.
So today as my heart is breaking I look to God to be my refuge and my strength
The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Psalms 9:9
the word oppressed seems to be the perfect word in this situation: to burden spiritually or mentally : weigh heavily upon
SHE DOTH PONDER
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