My Soul is Well with God

I started humming a song in my head today at work.  I do that a lot & quote scripture when people I'm working with have an ill spirit & are zapping my flow of positive energy I have worked up to make it through the day.  Today the song, "It is Well with my Soul"   The song is a beautiful song, offering complete surrender to God's will in our lives.  It would seem to be exactly what any Christian would want to offer God.  

For me I kept hearing the words playing over & over... as though it was taunting me...ripping through to my inner being.
All I could think of was, Justin & I immediately could feel the mother deep inside of me... Screaming... No, it is not well with my soul... it is not well with any part of me. 

I began to think about the man who wrote the song, Horatio Staffird, a father who lost 4 daughters on the same day... How,  I wandered was he able "to be well" with it such lose.  It was said, he wrote the words on his journey to meet his wife after the tragic accident, was he is shock?  Was it because he had something I don't have with my relationship with God?  Was his faith greater? Was he not as connected with his children?  Was it because there were no questions surrounding their death?   

I've learned in my grieving process never to judge another grieving parents means of grieving.  but, I myself, could never come to a logical explanation. It left me questioning so many things.  
Job also lost his children & all that he owned. He never doubted God & he never lost his faith or relationship with God... but I do not remember Job saying, it is well with soul.  His heart grieved. God did not think less of Job... He loved Job.  Job was special to him.   

So what about me.  I think in the depths of my soul, I would like to have the ability to say, No matter what God, it's OK.  But I'm more like Job in his feelings...God my heart is broken to the very core, I will never understand why, this side of heaven but I will never allow anything of this world to separate us.  This is where I must trust God knows my heart. 

             "Upon the palms of my hands I have written your name." ~ Isaiah 49:16

The tragedies in my life have taken me to a place I pray no other mother has to experience.  It took from me many things including the very person I once was.  Leaving me forced to discover the new me. Sometimes I still look in the mirror and I do not recognize myself.  Almost like someone who has suffered amnesia  That in itself is scaring.  I may not understand this new life I have been placed in but what I do know is this. Through it all, there is nothing that will shake my total trust in God.  For it is only through His love & Grace that I survived & am here to share this.  There has not been one hour that he has left my side... If at anytime I didn't sense His presence it was because I had moved in a different direction.  

As I ponder this thought today, I do not think Horatio Staffird was a "better" christian than I am, or his relationship closer to God... it is how he chose to work through his pain and that is different for each person.  For me... It is not well with my soul... but my soul is well with God.   

Hey Wait... This is Not the Life I Chose...

I'm just on the other side of trying to wake up from a terrible nightmare and struggling to find my new normal, and still wondering if a standard normal even exists. Though I love the expecting moms I work with now and being able to go on their pregnancy journey with them... I have come to realize... I really don't like working outside of the home. I want to sit on my porch in the morning & drink coffee & spend time with God. I want to be available for my grandchildren and parents when they need me. I want to sew, can vegetables make bread. I want to be able to work with my kids in juvenile court. I want to spend time with my friends. I want to rescue horses. I'm sitting here thinking, I worked hard to get to a place in my life that this could be a reality. Now, because of choices, not of my own... I'm forced to give up on my dreams & start all over working toward my new goals in life. I would be less than honest if I said there were days that I didn't hold some bitterness in my heart but I know, that's not where I want to stay... but I'm on a path I didn't choose and though I'm not ok with that, I trust God with each step I take... and He has never failed me, even in the darkest nights. I'm fortunate... I have a home..my Haven... I have not gone hungry one day... I have a job that allows me to have electricity, water and insurance. I know God has provided each one for me. So one could read this and think... How ungrateful... but that would no be a true statement. In all of my thoughts and feelings I have noticed a common statement... "I want" ...WOW... talk about being humbled... Life was not designed for me... I was designed for God's pleasure... to fulfill the purpose He laid out for my life before I was even formed in my mother's womb. It's not about me... It's all about Him. So as I begin a new day, I will look for the chance to shine my light for God wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. "Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." Colossians 3:24... or for myself. Dear Heavenly Father Please remind me of the servants heart you placed in me. Reminding me that though I may not be living the life I chose, I am being obedient to you by living the life you have chosen for me. Help me to content while I wait patiently on your plan for my life to be revealed. Father, you alone are my shield, my strength, my portion, my shelter, my strong tower and my deliverer. Amen