My Soul is Well with God

I started humming a song in my head today at work.  I do that a lot & quote scripture when people I'm working with have an ill spirit & are zapping my flow of positive energy I have worked up to make it through the day.  Today the song, "It is Well with my Soul"   The song is a beautiful song, offering complete surrender to God's will in our lives.  It would seem to be exactly what any Christian would want to offer God.  

For me I kept hearing the words playing over & over... as though it was taunting me...ripping through to my inner being.
All I could think of was, Justin & I immediately could feel the mother deep inside of me... Screaming... No, it is not well with my soul... it is not well with any part of me. 

I began to think about the man who wrote the song, Horatio Staffird, a father who lost 4 daughters on the same day... How,  I wandered was he able "to be well" with it such lose.  It was said, he wrote the words on his journey to meet his wife after the tragic accident, was he is shock?  Was it because he had something I don't have with my relationship with God?  Was his faith greater? Was he not as connected with his children?  Was it because there were no questions surrounding their death?   

I've learned in my grieving process never to judge another grieving parents means of grieving.  but, I myself, could never come to a logical explanation. It left me questioning so many things.  
Job also lost his children & all that he owned. He never doubted God & he never lost his faith or relationship with God... but I do not remember Job saying, it is well with soul.  His heart grieved. God did not think less of Job... He loved Job.  Job was special to him.   

So what about me.  I think in the depths of my soul, I would like to have the ability to say, No matter what God, it's OK.  But I'm more like Job in his feelings...God my heart is broken to the very core, I will never understand why, this side of heaven but I will never allow anything of this world to separate us.  This is where I must trust God knows my heart. 

             "Upon the palms of my hands I have written your name." ~ Isaiah 49:16

The tragedies in my life have taken me to a place I pray no other mother has to experience.  It took from me many things including the very person I once was.  Leaving me forced to discover the new me. Sometimes I still look in the mirror and I do not recognize myself.  Almost like someone who has suffered amnesia  That in itself is scaring.  I may not understand this new life I have been placed in but what I do know is this. Through it all, there is nothing that will shake my total trust in God.  For it is only through His love & Grace that I survived & am here to share this.  There has not been one hour that he has left my side... If at anytime I didn't sense His presence it was because I had moved in a different direction.  

As I ponder this thought today, I do not think Horatio Staffird was a "better" christian than I am, or his relationship closer to God... it is how he chose to work through his pain and that is different for each person.  For me... It is not well with my soul... but my soul is well with God.