My Soul is Well with God

I started humming a song in my head today at work.  I do that a lot & quote scripture when people I'm working with have an ill spirit & are zapping my flow of positive energy I have worked up to make it through the day.  Today the song, "It is Well with my Soul"   The song is a beautiful song, offering complete surrender to God's will in our lives.  It would seem to be exactly what any Christian would want to offer God.  

For me I kept hearing the words playing over & over... as though it was taunting me...ripping through to my inner being.
All I could think of was, Justin & I immediately could feel the mother deep inside of me... Screaming... No, it is not well with my soul... it is not well with any part of me. 

I began to think about the man who wrote the song, Horatio Staffird, a father who lost 4 daughters on the same day... How,  I wandered was he able "to be well" with it such lose.  It was said, he wrote the words on his journey to meet his wife after the tragic accident, was he is shock?  Was it because he had something I don't have with my relationship with God?  Was his faith greater? Was he not as connected with his children?  Was it because there were no questions surrounding their death?   

I've learned in my grieving process never to judge another grieving parents means of grieving.  but, I myself, could never come to a logical explanation. It left me questioning so many things.  
Job also lost his children & all that he owned. He never doubted God & he never lost his faith or relationship with God... but I do not remember Job saying, it is well with soul.  His heart grieved. God did not think less of Job... He loved Job.  Job was special to him.   

So what about me.  I think in the depths of my soul, I would like to have the ability to say, No matter what God, it's OK.  But I'm more like Job in his feelings...God my heart is broken to the very core, I will never understand why, this side of heaven but I will never allow anything of this world to separate us.  This is where I must trust God knows my heart. 

             "Upon the palms of my hands I have written your name." ~ Isaiah 49:16

The tragedies in my life have taken me to a place I pray no other mother has to experience.  It took from me many things including the very person I once was.  Leaving me forced to discover the new me. Sometimes I still look in the mirror and I do not recognize myself.  Almost like someone who has suffered amnesia  That in itself is scaring.  I may not understand this new life I have been placed in but what I do know is this. Through it all, there is nothing that will shake my total trust in God.  For it is only through His love & Grace that I survived & am here to share this.  There has not been one hour that he has left my side... If at anytime I didn't sense His presence it was because I had moved in a different direction.  

As I ponder this thought today, I do not think Horatio Staffird was a "better" christian than I am, or his relationship closer to God... it is how he chose to work through his pain and that is different for each person.  For me... It is not well with my soul... but my soul is well with God.   

I posted this on Justin's Blog but I thought I would post here also.

I became a Christian at the age of 6, from that time I have heard over and over, through songs, messages and reading my bible that our ultimate goal is to make it to Heaven to share eternity with God. I have always loved singing about going to Heaven and dreaming about what it will be like. Just the thought of it can give me chills. It is what I long for and why I strive daily to keep in God's will for my life.

But it all seems so different when someone we love leaves us. When they have reached their finally destination, their ultimate goal and we are left here grieving our loss.

Corinne told me one day that she did not grieve for Justin and then worried that what she had said upset me. It didn't because once I processed what she had said, I realized that is what I was feeling. I don't grieve for Justin, because he has made it, he is basking in all the wonders of Heaven and is able to be in the midst of Jesus.

It is me that I grieve for, my loss, my longing to hold him, to have him say, love ya mom, to have him call me early in the morning and say, time to get up lady, to see him playing with Camden or to even have one of our disagreements.

I have said as a mother it would be so selfish of me to want him to come back now that he has made it to paradise. Well, that is my spiritual side but I can tell you my flesh is selfish. I admit it.

I need to find a way to recalibrate my balance because right now my spirit and flesh are all out of whack. I find I am struggling to keep my head clear because the back and forth thoughts never stop. These emotions are the hardest things to try and explain to someone that has never lost a child. They are so intense and draining. Sometimes I find it easier to not try to explain and just stay by myself. It is not the healthiest thing to do but it is all I know to do right now and then I feel guilty for staying away. It is a roller coaster that never ends. It is true, you grieve as deeply as you loved.

A few days ago mama shared with me that she had an overwhelming feeling that she would be with Justin soon. My first response was, don't do this to me, not now and then I remembered how so many times I wished God would just come and get me but then I remembered those that would be left here and I would feel so torn. That thought brought on a whole new emotions and confusion. I love my mother so much and I would do anything I could to make her life better and to make her happy but I am just not ready to let her go. I know she has struggled through so many hardships in her life. I know she is probably worn and tired and what she has strived for all of her Christian life might be looking more appealing to her but I am selfish. The thought of losing a child and a mother is more than I can comprehend right now.

God is not the author of confusion, so I know it is not God's will for me to be living in this state of mind.

I am thankful that through my deepest heartbreak my faith in God has not faltered and that He understands me and my confusion and thankful that through grace he forgives me for my shortcomings and I pray He will bring peace and understanding to my heart and show me how to live again.

Death is such a personal experience for each individual. Everyone handles it differently and it depends greatly on which side of it you are on.