Standing Still vs Standing Your Ground

I have read and reread this verse and I can't count the times I have quoted it to myself and to others through the years..

"For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace"...I Corinthians 14:33

We know this is true because it is biblical so does this mean if my mind is confused my thoughts are not of God. If that is true I know that is not where I want to be. Does it mean I am not truly seeking God's guidance in my situation, I'll be the first to admit, as much as I seek I know I could seek more. Does it mean my spirit and flesh are fighting against each other, very good possibility. Though we are not of this world, we are subjected to live in this world.

I'm tossing and turning, searching for answers. Carnal justice tells me to stand up for myself and family and cause someone else to suffer for the injustice they have caused us and are causing us. I know God wants us to stand for right but is that all we are suppose to do is stand and allow God's justice to prevail or are we suppose to be proactive but not allow evil to take over?

"Therefore do not fear them, For there is nothing covered that will not be revealed an hidden that will not be known Matthew 10:26

Can you see why my mind is whirling? Presently I have constant questions and advice from some very loving and caring people that I know have my very best interest at heart but I don't know what to say or do so I find myself avoiding making any decisions at all. I am not stupid and think if I don't talk about the problem it will just go away but I don't want to win the battle and lose the war, as they say.

I have never felt the presence of evil spirts swarming and twirling as I have in the last 3 years. I have come to a point that when they are close in my presence it almost takes my breath and I struggle to breath. It seems my daily mantra is rebuking satan in the name of Jesus.

1 Peter 5:8-9 Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

I now realized that the enemy doesn't always have to cause horrible tradegy to accomplish his goal to destroy us, it can come as easy as disabling us to take the next step and allowing ourselves to become stagnate in pursuing our ministry to glorify God.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full".John 10:10

This can come as easy as justifying our stillness by saying, I am standing still and allowing God to do the work. Such a true statement but without some form of balance we become unusable by God.  I think instead of  having the mind set of "standing still", I need to change that to a more proactive action as; "standing my ground" against the devils schemes to disable me.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. [11] Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. [12] For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. [13] Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. [14] Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, [15] and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. [16] In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. [17] Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. [18] And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.  Ephesians 6:10-18

I posted this on Justin's Blog but I thought I would post here also.

I became a Christian at the age of 6, from that time I have heard over and over, through songs, messages and reading my bible that our ultimate goal is to make it to Heaven to share eternity with God. I have always loved singing about going to Heaven and dreaming about what it will be like. Just the thought of it can give me chills. It is what I long for and why I strive daily to keep in God's will for my life.

But it all seems so different when someone we love leaves us. When they have reached their finally destination, their ultimate goal and we are left here grieving our loss.

Corinne told me one day that she did not grieve for Justin and then worried that what she had said upset me. It didn't because once I processed what she had said, I realized that is what I was feeling. I don't grieve for Justin, because he has made it, he is basking in all the wonders of Heaven and is able to be in the midst of Jesus.

It is me that I grieve for, my loss, my longing to hold him, to have him say, love ya mom, to have him call me early in the morning and say, time to get up lady, to see him playing with Camden or to even have one of our disagreements.

I have said as a mother it would be so selfish of me to want him to come back now that he has made it to paradise. Well, that is my spiritual side but I can tell you my flesh is selfish. I admit it.

I need to find a way to recalibrate my balance because right now my spirit and flesh are all out of whack. I find I am struggling to keep my head clear because the back and forth thoughts never stop. These emotions are the hardest things to try and explain to someone that has never lost a child. They are so intense and draining. Sometimes I find it easier to not try to explain and just stay by myself. It is not the healthiest thing to do but it is all I know to do right now and then I feel guilty for staying away. It is a roller coaster that never ends. It is true, you grieve as deeply as you loved.

A few days ago mama shared with me that she had an overwhelming feeling that she would be with Justin soon. My first response was, don't do this to me, not now and then I remembered how so many times I wished God would just come and get me but then I remembered those that would be left here and I would feel so torn. That thought brought on a whole new emotions and confusion. I love my mother so much and I would do anything I could to make her life better and to make her happy but I am just not ready to let her go. I know she has struggled through so many hardships in her life. I know she is probably worn and tired and what she has strived for all of her Christian life might be looking more appealing to her but I am selfish. The thought of losing a child and a mother is more than I can comprehend right now.

God is not the author of confusion, so I know it is not God's will for me to be living in this state of mind.

I am thankful that through my deepest heartbreak my faith in God has not faltered and that He understands me and my confusion and thankful that through grace he forgives me for my shortcomings and I pray He will bring peace and understanding to my heart and show me how to live again.

Death is such a personal experience for each individual. Everyone handles it differently and it depends greatly on which side of it you are on.