My Soul is Well with God

I started humming a song in my head today at work.  I do that a lot & quote scripture when people I'm working with have an ill spirit & are zapping my flow of positive energy I have worked up to make it through the day.  Today the song, "It is Well with my Soul"   The song is a beautiful song, offering complete surrender to God's will in our lives.  It would seem to be exactly what any Christian would want to offer God.  

For me I kept hearing the words playing over & over... as though it was taunting me...ripping through to my inner being.
All I could think of was, Justin & I immediately could feel the mother deep inside of me... Screaming... No, it is not well with my soul... it is not well with any part of me. 

I began to think about the man who wrote the song, Horatio Staffird, a father who lost 4 daughters on the same day... How,  I wandered was he able "to be well" with it such lose.  It was said, he wrote the words on his journey to meet his wife after the tragic accident, was he is shock?  Was it because he had something I don't have with my relationship with God?  Was his faith greater? Was he not as connected with his children?  Was it because there were no questions surrounding their death?   

I've learned in my grieving process never to judge another grieving parents means of grieving.  but, I myself, could never come to a logical explanation. It left me questioning so many things.  
Job also lost his children & all that he owned. He never doubted God & he never lost his faith or relationship with God... but I do not remember Job saying, it is well with soul.  His heart grieved. God did not think less of Job... He loved Job.  Job was special to him.   

So what about me.  I think in the depths of my soul, I would like to have the ability to say, No matter what God, it's OK.  But I'm more like Job in his feelings...God my heart is broken to the very core, I will never understand why, this side of heaven but I will never allow anything of this world to separate us.  This is where I must trust God knows my heart. 

             "Upon the palms of my hands I have written your name." ~ Isaiah 49:16

The tragedies in my life have taken me to a place I pray no other mother has to experience.  It took from me many things including the very person I once was.  Leaving me forced to discover the new me. Sometimes I still look in the mirror and I do not recognize myself.  Almost like someone who has suffered amnesia  That in itself is scaring.  I may not understand this new life I have been placed in but what I do know is this. Through it all, there is nothing that will shake my total trust in God.  For it is only through His love & Grace that I survived & am here to share this.  There has not been one hour that he has left my side... If at anytime I didn't sense His presence it was because I had moved in a different direction.  

As I ponder this thought today, I do not think Horatio Staffird was a "better" christian than I am, or his relationship closer to God... it is how he chose to work through his pain and that is different for each person.  For me... It is not well with my soul... but my soul is well with God.   

What Friendship is to Me

Friendship: a friendly relation or intimacy.
Intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person .

I happened upon an interesting post today, http://ecosalon.com/teach-me-nothing-just-be-my-friend . It really made me made me dig deep and ponder just how I felt about what the author was saying. At first I thought, I’m not so sure about this because I like learning from my friends but the more I dug into my true feelings, I realized I had more in common with her thoughts.

I am fortunate to have friends with many talents and wisdom, and each of them bring something different to my life and I would never want to discount the knowledge I have gained from them. I have some pretty sharp friends, if I must say so. But I realized, they did not become my friends based on what they could do for me, it was based on who they were to me. It was because we connected on a personal level.

One thing I think we all are guilty of is trying to “fix” our friends. I have come to realize, that is not our place.  When we think it's our job we are saying, there is something wrong with you. By doing this, we are placing conditions on the friendship. Who are we to judge? We may not always agree or like the actions of our friends, which is a whole other issue but friendship is acceptance and loving through the good and bad. We should always want the best for our friends and be willing to offer wisdom but a true friend will never put conditions on the friendship depending on your fix-ability.

To me a friendship is about a relationship; a true a bond between two people. Sometimes it’s beyond words and many times, words are not even necessary. It’s about two souls that have a desire to be connected with their other part. It’s about acceptance and unconditional love. It’s about forgiveness and understanding. It’s about overlooking the small stuff and refraining from judgment. It’s about praying for their needs and what is close to their heart. It’s about allowing them to share all they need to share and listening with a companionate heart. It's about honesty and trust, It’s about grieving when they grieve, loving who they love, giving when there is a need, excitement when they triumph, crying when they cry, encouragement when they are down, a boost when they need to be motivated, laughing at stupid things only they can understand, loving when sometimes they are unlovable and no matter what…always…always have their back.

My prayer today is to always be the friend to others that I seek for my own life

XXOO